Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

The mystery rise of lung cancer in non-smokers - BBC

Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

When a dog smells another dog’s poo or wee, do they then remember that scent for when they smell it again, or even further know which dog they are smelling if they know the dog?

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

You are like me, then.

Pedro Pascal, Ariana Grande and Dua Lipa Sign Open Letter Supporting Federal Funding for LGBTQ+ Youth Suicide Prevention - Variety

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

It’s still here.

The New Twist In Regeneron's 23andMe Bankruptcy Buyout - Investor's Business Daily

I was tired of trying and failing.

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

The sadness was still there.

It has been said that people with ADHD can often hyperfocus. Can that be an advantage?

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

Be who you already are.

Million-Dollar Project Aims to Expose Bad Medical Research - Gizmodo

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

I was tired of fighting.

Scottie Scheffler’s wife reveals infant son’s bathroom mishap during Memorial win - New York Post

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

I had run out of hope.

Carlos Alcaraz roars all the way back to win the French Open again - The Washington Post

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

It’s here now, writing to you.

And the sadness?

Blocking Opioid Receptors May Restore Healthy Dopamine Balance - Neuroscience News

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.